Shadows and light, tears and laughter, surviving and perhaps living a little

I guess there is no way for me to keep blogging without telling about this.
This thing that has cut me wide open, deeper than anything else before in my life, and trampled the broken pieces so deep into the ground that sometimes I think there is no way anyone could ever pick them up and make me whole again. Even though I have been through a lot and my family has been through a lot, nothing has ever been like this private hell.

Yes, we really have moved, but just me, my girl, and our cat. My husband has left me and filed for divorce. This has been going on since last winter (January-February), and he actually decided to come back, and then he left again.

This new apartment is really big, because when we decided to rent this, he was supposed to stay with us. Our old building just went under some big construction work, which I found out about a few weeks before it started, at the same time that I heard about this apartment becoming available.

Because of my illness and all the emotional stress, I could not think of staying there.

I am not going into any details because this involves other people.
Let's just say that my husband takes most of the blame for ruining our marriage (not that I claim to have been the perfect wife!), and that he wants to be a loving father to our beloved daughter, and that he has been generous in wanting to make we are financially secure.

The six month mandatory consideration period is over and he can make the divorce official with just a signature on a paper. I do not know if he will. I'm not asking. It will only make him anxious and shut down. So I let him be, and we only talk about practical matters.

I know it would be a long way back home for him - and I could not let him do this to our child for a third time. Her sense of security and trust would be in ruins after that.

I forgive him. Because Jesus forgives me my sin. And my husband's as well.
There are issues, deep wounds and traumas affecting people, Christians too. We do horrible things and say horrible things. That's why we know we need Grace so badly!

I love him and always will. But after all these past months, I have gone through so many emotions, wanting to force him to stay, wanting to help him, make him whole and happy. But it's not in my power, and the greatest act of love I can think of doing for him is letting him go.

The future is wide open. My main concern now is Indi's well being, and she will get through this if I do. I will only speak kindly about her father (though I will say that it is not right, or God's will, to divorce - but the sin in this world and in us prevents the world, and our lives, from being perfect and ideal. That would be heaven then, and we are not there yet).

She needs to know her daddy still loves her, and it's okay that she loves him too, and that they get to keep their close relationship. So I tell her, that we forgive him and love him. It's okay to feel sad or angry too, or anything. It's okay to cry.

I will not let her break over this, not if it takes every last bit of my strength.
I will not let her break.

So now it's out there. I have not tried to keep it a secret anyway.
Please pray for me, all you who believe in Jesus, that He would guide us and that His will would happen, not mine.