At first when I was alone for a night, for a weekend, I didn't know what to with myself. The nights are still difficult. I have trouble falling asleep. Even going to bed alone.
Then I was sick again for a few weeks, just in time for the start of school for Indi. I had promised to have a small exhibition, which I really wanted to work on.
I have. But not forcing myself. I had to create a comfortable atmosphere first, have all the stuff ready at hand. So that beginning work was easy. There is plenty of space, I can leave stuff to dry and continue later. Practical is simple.
On friday night I had women from church over. We had fun, we played a role play (with lots of trying to kill each other at a dinner party, how Christian of us :D ) and we ate and talked. We had planned to pray for everybody's needs, but time just flew and it was time for everyone to leave before we got to that!
I don't have a dish washer, so the next day I did the dishes by hand. The first time I had a pile like that in like, ten years. But it's simpler for us not buy a dish washer for the two of us.
I do our laundry at the laundry room, again, it's simpler than to buy a new machine to replace the broken one. I like booking the laundry room once a week, and there is a drying room where I hang it to dry and in the evening everything is ready to be picked up.
Now that I'm better again, I may walk to the beach for a moment and run some errands. Today I picked up some secondhand clothes and then went to a flea market. Indi has been wanting Pet Shop toys and I got her four. I also bought some other useful -and not really that useful- stuff. Hand towels? Useful. Woolen babushka scarf? Absolutely useful. Tin coffee box? Weeeell.. I'm using it, okay?
Never mind the raccoon.
But who could resist that face? I couldn't.
I'm not going to turn into a hoarder, mind you. I suddenly needed clothes several sizes smaller, so I've gotten some freebies and bought some second hand and I'm giving and selling away some. We had very little dishes because we never had guests over at old small apartment, so I've bought some dishes. Some furniture I've bought and some sold away.
Sometimes I just need to do something to distract myself with.. But I have stuff to do, paint, sew, clean the apartment, read, write, take photos.. and I still spend a lot of time with Indi. So I'm never bored at least. I want to do what I love to do, what I have studied to do, and what I think I can do best. I am thinking of ways I could make more money.. but God is my provider, so I'm not worried.
It's simple for me to work from home.
It's simple to live in a place where I can walk to get groceries, and the beach is 500 meters away (like 1/3 mile). It's simple that we now live on the first floor and Indi has started to go out by herself, and that we live close to the school.
Getting finally diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, and starting to make sense of why I was never just quite okay, even a s a child, makes my life simpler, because it helps me understand why I have collected so many illnesses and why I am like I am, and just accept it. It also makes it easier to get check-ups and treatment for different stuff, because it can affect pretty much any part of the body. I just had an ultra sound of my heart, I had minor mitral valve prolapse, which is pretty common and not dangerous, but because of the EDS they will monitor it every few years so it doesn't get worse.
I have heart pain and irregular heart beat but I put it down to extreme stress, because my body just won't quiet down!
Sometimes it's enough of a job that I just survive to take care of daughter.
Living simply becomes an afterthought when you just try to simply live... Everything superfluous naturally falls away as you are stripped bare. On the other hand, you don't stress out about your kid wanting to hoard cardboard boxes, or buy Pet Shop toys. But I still find it easier to keep mental clarity in a simple, aesthetically pleasing environment.
It's simple to live for God, because then you only have to care about what He thinks. When you have fear of the Lord, there is nothing more left to fear. And fear of the Lord does not feel like fear, because "in perfect love there is no fear" as the Bible says. So it feels like love. As simple as that.
8 comments:
This is a beautiful post, full of hope, trust and faith in God. I'm sorry to read of what you're going through and pray that God directs your path. Take care!
It's good to have you back and writing, Vappu! I'm sorry to hear of your marriage break-up and the pain it's caused you. Your heart must be crushed (I know mine was) but your spirit survives and time really does heal.
I've followed you for some years now and I have commented before about your writing on minimalism being the very best I've read on the internet. Do you still stick to simple Toast clothes? You really influenced my own thinking on discarding stuff. I'm still so happy with less. Less is powerful.
Sandra, thank you! That's all I want, to God to direct my path and let me know how to walk his way and do his will. Let his plan work out in my life, as well in the life of my loved ones. His ways are mysterious - and sometimes there is a price to pay for me for someone else's healing, and reunion with God! Who knows why all the things that happen, happen? I have no other choice but to trust. The most difficult thing to trust is that my little girl is being protected, that I'm not the only one keeping her, there is the Lord of this Universe, and army of angels protecting her.
Anna, Thank you too. I know I've not written about minimalism so much lately, but simplicity and minimalism are absolutely a part of my life. After we lost all our stuff to mold, it was at the same time freeing, to not own anything, to live in my dad's house, own no furniture and a single bag full of clothes each. Even after we moved to the small apartment, we barely had any stuff for like 1,5 years, until I got tired of not having friends over to eat, not having any place for them to sit.. It was just the bedroom and the living room was basically Indi's room with my computer in there. Kitchen fit the three of us but there was no room for two cooks at the same time... There were always empty shelves and stuff was limited.
So then we moved to this apartment, more than double the size, but one less person. Obviously it will echo like crazy if there are no rugs and curtains. Oh yes, we needed curtains because this is the first floor, and we already had the echoing problem in our old apartment...
I will do a clothes post for you dear, if you'd like! We are still pretty minimalist by most people standards, but I do need to weed out my closet more as after 50+ pounds gone (ouch!) a lot of stuff just looks like a sack on me and pants down't stay up, so I have to get rid of them.. If I gain back some weight it might never be that much - and I'm not going to keep holding on these old clothes. They'd just remind me of a time that was in the past..
Hi Vappu! Thank you for your reply. Yes, I'd love a post on your clothes. I found your discussion of clothes very interesting and how you'd found a company from which to buy a core wardrobe. I decided I'd do that too. I often wondered how it was going for you since then. We really do not need many clothes. I'm struggling at the moment as I've put on weight so I have one set of clothes for now and a set for when I've lost weight... Not minimalist!
I do understand that stress is usually the reason women lose weight quickly so that's not nice at all - but I always wanted to know if you ate simply too. Sorry to hear of your diagnosis but I expect it was a relief. Are you managing it?
Hope you are trying to look forward. You are very creative;, and an intelligent and talented writer. Stick to the routines of that while you rebuild. Everything will settle eventually and you may like your new life even better. It's now yours to do with what you like!
Anna, I will definitely do a clothes post. I guess for a moment I felt like I was too centered on wheat I own and not own, after finding minimalism. On hindsight, I should not have deleted ALL the old posts, sigh. I'm impulsive like that. And I can't even keep Indi's face out of the internet, LOL!
But more on that on the actual post, I'm looking forward to more writing, and I can actually share my health management protocol on one post too. It may sound complicated, but I take way less drugs that I'm prescribed, or would be if I wanted them.. I started out in March in the middle of the worst of it and it has helped my health.
The weight issue is complex too, I do eat when there is food in front of me, If I run errands I sometimes go eat something high calorie.. But I can't seem to keep up. Some days I barely eat at all. When I'm at home. I suspect some of it also has something to do with the health protocol - it is balancing out my hormones and I did lose all the weight that was left over after Indi, but of course it foes beyond that. A friend called me anorexic. I'm not, but my body type is naturally muscular so now I just look like skin, bones and a little muscle under the skin haha. It's mostly the emotional trauma.. that will hopefully even out after things settle down.... I guess you could describe my eating habits both simple, and erratic. I could always go until afternoon or early evening without eating when I was occupied with something else. I'm naturally a "grab a sandwich" -type. When I cook, I cook simple, easy meals. Now that it's just the two of us and Indi eats a proper meal at school (and she says she always eats everything including the salad) we rarely have a warm meal in the evening. Only if I make something she really likes, like homemade pizza. Or I warm frozen potato-rice flat bread in the oven. Often it's just cereal, some veggies, a roll, a smoothie.. This suits me perfectly because if I cook for her, and she eats two spoonfuls with complaining, and I do not even want to eat, it just makes for a frustrated mom and wasted food.
Dear Vappu,
I want to send you hugs from around the world.
Thank you for writing and sharing. I too have read your writing for a while now, and found much inspiration and beauty in your words and images. I am so sorry for this shattering time you are experiencing. It's difficult to know what to say that doesn't sound too easy or quick. Although I do not share the faith of your religious tradition, I believe so strongly in the love and compassion that you draw from. May you be bathed in light and feel moments of joy. I recently read that pain is unavoidable, but suffering is not....we can let go of it. Somehow that resonated with me at a time when my son was going through a deep depression.
Please, take good care of your health and spirit, as well as that of your girl!
Heather
Thank you Heather.
I have heard people say that it's easier to be widowed than to be betrayed and abandoned and I do believe it's true.
The good memories now hurt.
The things that were a lie, they hurt.
There is really no closure either, as we continue to parent a child together and see each other and deal with each other. But I believe there is much to learn in that. For both of us. This is not random, God is not punishing us, He in his love is molding us, breaking, grinding to dust, pouring on some living water, and making a whole new pot of clay.
I do not agree that my faith is just a religious tradition. There definitely exists a large religious tradition called Christianity - but that is completely different from a real relationship with Jesus Christ, who is alive today as much he ever was throughout eternity, with the Father in heaven, and was born as a man on Earth to redeem our sins and reconcile us to God. To be a true Christian means to be born again from the Spirit of God, have His spirit join your spirit to make it alive and capable of standing in front of the Holy, Holy, Holy one in the world beyond this world, one day. <3
The love and compassion is not of me.. I do not for a moment believe I would have that in me after what has been done to me, but it is from Jesus.
Ragardless, I really appreciate you reading and responding to this Christ-loving woman's writings, and I do appreciate your consoling words. Thank you and I hope your son has gotten over the black hole of depression, it is a truly terrible illness <3
what a lovely post. and something I really needed to read today. my life is feeling anything but simple. your images were soothing to look at and the post delightful to read.
I love the ending, "because "in perfect love there is no fear" as the Bible says. So it feels like love. As simple as that"
thank you for the post!
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